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As a couple and family therapist, educator, and researcher in Westchester, NY, I frequently hear questions about the “Five Love Languages” theory introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman in his popular book The 5 Love Languages. Many couples use this framework in therapy to improve their relationships, but recent research has raised some important questions about whether it’s the best approach. While the Five Love Languages have gained wide popularity, it’s worth asking: do they truly capture how relationships work, or do they oversimplify the complexities of love and connection? We will summarize the key points from this newly published peer-review article (Impett et al., 2024) for you to consider.
A Closer Look at the Five Love Languages
Chapman’s theory suggests that everyone expresses and receives love in one of five ways:
- Words of Affirmation (compliments and encouragement)
- Quality Time (spending focused, undistracted time together)
- Receiving Gifts (physical symbols of love)
- Acts of Service (doing things to help and support your partner)
- Physical Touch (affection like hugging, holding hands, or more intimate touch)
While this model is appealing for its simplicity, recent research suggests that love may not be as straightforward as Chapman’s five categories imply. In fact, studies show that people often value all five love languages, rather than having one “dominant” language. This challenges the idea that we all have a single primary love language that defines how we connect with others.
The Challenge of Defining a Primary Love Language
One key idea in the Five Love Languages is that everyone has a primary love language, but research doesn’t fully support this. Studies reveal that people rate all five love languages as equally important in their relationships. For example, someone might prioritize quality time with their partner over receiving gifts, but still deeply value thoughtful gifts. This suggests that love is more complicated than simply matching or identifying one primary love language.
Additionally, the quiz that Chapman created to identify your love language uses a forced-choice format, where you choose between two options (e.g., “holding hands” vs. “receiving a gift”). This doesn’t capture the full range of how people experience love, which means the quiz may not reflect your true preferences in the context of a relationship.
The Myth of “Speaking” the Same Love Language
Another assumption in the Five Love Languages theory is that couples who share the same primary love language experience greater satisfaction. However, research doesn’t support this idea. Studies show no strong evidence that couples with matching love languages are more satisfied. Instead, what really matters is the regular expression of love, no matter which “language” is used. Whether it’s through compliments, quality time, or physical touch, what strengthens a relationship is how consistently partners express care and affection for each other.
This means that worrying too much about matching love languages may create unnecessary stress. Instead of focusing on whether you’re “speaking” the same love language, try to nurture your relationship by expressing love in multiple ways. Whether it’s offering a compliment, spending quality time together, or showing affection, all of these actions help build a stronger connection.
A Better Metaphor for Healthy Relationships
Given the research questioning the Five Love Languages, relationship experts suggest that the metaphor of a balanced diet might better describe what makes a relationship thrive. Just as a healthy diet needs a variety of nutrients, a healthy relationship needs a mix of emotional “ingredients.” It’s not enough to rely on just one type of expression—relationships need quality time, affection, appreciation, support, and more.
This analogy shows that no single way of expressing love will solve all relationship problems. Instead, couples need to make sure they’re offering each other a variety of ways to connect. When partners feel heard, understood, and responsive to one another’s needs, the relationship becomes more fulfilling and resilient.
The Takeaway: A More Flexible Approach to Love
In my work with couples in the Westchester and NYC areas, I encourage clients to move beyond rigid frameworks like the Five Love Languages. While these expressions of love can be helpful, they don’t define the entire picture of a successful relationship. What matters most is the willingness to understand and meet each other’s needs. Whether through words, time spent together, or other actions, the key to a healthy relationship is being flexible, responsive, and connected.
If you’re in New York and need help navigating your relationship dynamics, I’d be happy to offer support. I provide both in-person and online couples therapy to help you and your partner explore and strengthen the ways you connect. Together, we can build a relationship that feels balanced, nurturing, and true to both of your needs. Please check Couples Therapy Service page and Couples Check-Up Service page at Relate Reflect Therapy for more information.
Book a free consultation today to start your journey toward a healthier, more fulfilling relationship!
