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Couple relationships are a cornerstone of our lives, providing love, support, purposes, and companionship. Yet, even the strongest couples face challenges that can strain their connection.
In The All-Or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work, Eli J. Finkel explores how the expectations for relationships have evolved over time. Today, many of us don’t just want a partner for stability—we want someone who fulfills us emotionally, helps us grow as individuals, and offers a deep sense of connection. While these higher expectations can make a marriage more satisfying, they can also bring more frustration when things don’t meet those ideal standards. For example, Sarah and Tom, a couple in therapy, came in feeling disappointed that their marriage lacked the emotional depth they had imagined. Tom was focused on his career, and Sarah felt neglected. They both wanted more—more time together, more emotional intimacy, and more understanding. Finkel’s research shows that the best marriages are the ones where both partners actively invest in the relationship, balancing their personal needs with the needs of the partnership. If you’re in couples therapy like Sarah and Tom, this is exactly what you’re learning to do: building a partnership that allows both of you to grow together, rather than just co-existing.
Is Your Relationship Meeting Your Expectation?
One of the key takeaways from Finkel’s book is that the best marriages today are “all-or-nothing” in a positive way. What does that mean? It means successful couples make their relationship a top priority. They don’t expect their relationship to be perfect, but they show up for each other consistently. Think of Maria and David, a couple who struggled with communication. At first, they were both so wrapped up in their day-to-day routines that they barely spent any time together. But after a few months of therapy, they began setting aside time for weekly “couple check-ins,” where they could talk about anything—no distractions allowed. They learned to provide emotional support, communicate openly, and share experiences that deepened their bond. For couples in therapy, this might mean setting aside time to truly connect, whether that’s through simple activities like cooking dinner together or going for walks. The goal is to actively nurture your connection, rather than just letting it fade into the background. When both partners put in the effort, the relationship becomes a space where both people feel valued and supported, as Maria and David found.
Finkel also emphasizes that successful couples understand each other’s needs and support one another in a way that helps them both grow. Communication, empathy, and patience are crucial—especially when life throws stress your way. Take Jamie and Alex, who had been experiencing constant arguments over household responsibilities. Jamie felt overwhelmed with managing everything at home, while Alex felt criticized for not helping enough. In therapy, they learned to listen without judgment and to acknowledge each other’s feelings. Instead of jumping into blaming each other or defending oneself, they started discussing how to share the load more fairly. They each learned to communicate their needs calmly and with empathy, which reduced the tension between them. Couples like Jamie and Alex thrive because they turn toward each other during tough times, rather than away. In therapy, this often means learning how to navigate conflict with kindness and creating space for each other to express your feelings and be heard. When both partners feel heard and respected, the relationship becomes stronger, and communication becomes more effective.
Another important concept Finkel introduces is “marital intelligence,” which refers to the ability to understand your partner’s emotional needs, adapt to changes, and make decisions together. It’s not just about avoiding conflict—it’s about recognizing your partner’s vulnerabilities, managing differences, and solving problems as a team. For example, consider how Matt and Laura handled a stressful family situation. Laura was going through a tough time with her family, and Matt noticed that she was withdrawing emotionally. Rather than pushing her to talk, he gave her space but also checked in regularly to offer support. He understood her need for time and space to process, but he also recognized when it was time to step in and offer comfort. In therapy, couples like Matt and Laura learn to engage in conversations where they take each other’s emotional needs into account, even in challenging times. It’s about working together to find solutions, and making decisions that benefit both partners. The more you develop your marital intelligence, the better equipped you’ll be to handle whatever challenges come your way.
Practical Suggestions to Make Your Relationship Even Stronger
Finkel also gives a simple but powerful piece of advice: prioritize quality time together. With the demands of modern life, it’s easy for couples to get caught up in work, kids, and other responsibilities, and forget to nurture their relationship. Jenna and Carlos, for example, found themselves arguing more and more after their first child was born. They were so focused on caring for their baby that they stopped taking time for themselves as a couple. After some therapy sessions, they realized that they needed to carve out time just for the two of them to stay connected. They started scheduling regular date nights, even if it was just grabbing a quick coffee or watching a movie together at home. By making time for each other, they were able to maintain their emotional connection, even during the hectic early days of parenthood. For couples in therapy, this might look like scheduling time to connect—whether that’s through shared activities or simply setting aside distractions to talk. Creating rituals that help you stay engaged is crucial in preventing distance from creeping in.
Finally, Finkel drives home the point that a successful marriage requires commitment—especially when things aren’t going smoothly. It’s easy to stay committed when everything is going well, but the real challenge is showing up for each other during tough times. When life gets stressful or personal struggles arise, it’s important to stay focused on your relationship and work through the challenges together. Consider the example of Emma and Lucas, who were dealing with job losses and financial stress. The pressure was taking a toll on their marriage, and they were both feeling the strain. But instead of letting it pull them apart, they made a pact to check in with each other regularly, offering emotional support and reassurance. Therapy helped them learn how to address these stressors without letting them overwhelm their relationship. For couples in therapy, this commitment means working through difficult moments together, learning new tools, and growing alongside one another. By continuing to invest in your partnership, even when things get hard, you’ll create a marriage that not only survives but thrives. The truth is, if you want a relationship that lives up to your high expectations, it takes work—and that work is worth it.
Final Thoughts
If we recognize that our expectation for relationships is kind of high, we might feel keeping investing in it over time is a good idea. Finkel’s insights show that with the right mindset and effort, your relationship can become everything you hope for—and more. Keep showing up, keep investing, and you’ll build a bond that truly fulfills both of you. If you are looking for couples therapy services, please know that we offer in-person and virtual couples therapy services in Westchester and NYC. Through providing evidence-based therapy, our goal is to help you gain insights, enhance emotional and physical connections, and build a satisfy long-lasting relationship you deserve. Please check out Couples Therapy Services and Couples Check-Up Services at Relate Reflect Therapy.
